My Dad and the pool

This is a kind of a funny story. We have a pool in our back yard that gets more attention from my dad than almost anything else in the house.  He cleans it everyday almost and if there is a single dead bug floating on top of the water or a leaf that happen to make it's way  to our pool, my dad is out there sweeping it up with the net. We also have a pool service guy that helps with our pool maintenance.  For a pool that I only use maybe 2 times a year, it sure gets lots of love. My dad decided to "fire" our pool service guy though because he would miss half of the cleaning days a month.  We were upset that he was missing so many days.  So the new service guy came and took a first look at our pool and says "are you sure you need me, Mr. Kim? I don't think I can keep the pool any cleaner than you. I've never seen such a clean pool."  My mom laughs. My dad just stands there.  Now I think I understand why the other pool guy kept missing days.  He felt unneeded.

Sad day

One of my favorite musicians died today.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070427/ap_on_en_mu/obit_rostropovich
Cellist Rostropovich.
I have a poor memory, but I don't think I'll ever forget the first and only time I heard him play.
It was in the Symphony hall in Seattle. I bought the last ticket that was available and I remember it was not cheap.
Oh, but how I would pay that amount and much more to hear him play again.
Arguable the best concert I ever went to. He wasn't just a cellist, he was a world-class musician that can move the heart of any person in the hall either by his voice or his cello.

things i can do to stay close to God

read the bible even if i don't want to
pray even when i don't feel like it
help the poor
comfort the sick
visit the prisoners, the widows and the orphans

take a walk and look at the trees and the flowers
step outside at night and look at the stars and the moon
go backpacking and listen to the rivers and the songs
go scuba diving and swim with the fish

hold a baby and watch them sleep
play with the children and teach them
listen to music that expresses things that I am unable to
bend the knee, bow down and cry out to God

in need of prayer

not to long ago, i decided that i really needed to get back on track with God
i've struggled so long with my "walk," unable to pray, barely opening the Bible
how has my heart gotten so hard and distant from my Loving Savior
i want so much to be a compassionate person
but i don't see how i can be that anymore
i'm tempted, so tempted to leave the church because it does not offer the comfort that I need
i keep going though with when I don't feel a part of the body
i know i need the community if i am to have any hope of getting back on track

today i went to an AA meeting as an assignment for my pysch rotation
there i found people that understand community
they see they have a disease that can kill
they were so intimately aware of that and the power it can have over them
and in recognition, they did not try to hide it, run from it, or defeat it
they simply but wholeheartedly acknowledged their weakness,
sought God's strength each moment to over come it, and
helped each other by being a reminder of God's love

only if i can see that clearly that i too have a "disease" that can kill: sin
only if I can humble myself and realize that I can't overcome my sinful nature on my own
in fact i don't need to because Jesus already did
only if I can simply and wholeheartly acknowledge that I need God to live the kind of life that i want to live
if only i can find a community that i can be as honest with and that I can trust as these AA members do each other
i saw trust, honesty, vulnerability, acceptance and love in that group as i've seen no where else
no one was better than anyone
they weren't there to promote anything, not even AA
they all listened intently to everyone's comments
everyone who wanted to speak had a chance to speak
you didn't have to say anything if you didn't want to
no one "took over" the meeting or tried to stand out
they were simply there to be there for one another
education, employment, criminal record did not matter
the only thing they required was a desire to stay clean and sober
there was a deep respect for humanity and the person sitting next to them
there was a sense of submission and freedom that allowed for healing and hope

i need to live as these people do
praying and being prayed for
caring and being cared for
loving and being loved on
laughing out loud and crying out loud
listening and sharing
being vulnerable and not judging

my name is cindy, and I am a sinner saved by God's grace.

"I'm blessed"

staying true and honest is hard
but i met a pt today who was more true and honest than any well person i have yet to meet
this pt has been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, marajuana, nicotine, etc for more than 20 years
this pt is HIV positive, has epilepsy, and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder
this pt is a felon
she is also a speaker, a mother, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter
she brought herself to the psychiatric center because she wanted to change
she incredibly articulate and can express herself better than I ever will
she certainly has a gift with expression
she wanted to get sober and clean
but why now?
she has a grand daughter now that she wants to get to know
she has an opportunity to help promote HIV awareness and education
she sees that her addiction get in the way of those things
so wants to get sober and clean
when she introduced herself, we asked "how are you doing?"
it was her first day at the center
she said "I'm blessed." and she was being honest as can be.
her hair wasn't combed
she looked like she has bathed in days
but she was smiling
she wants to get sober and clean
God help her to turn to you and not anything else
As she seeks to overcome evil with good, be her strength
have mercy on her, God

sunday blues

it was sunny outside today, but inside me, it's a bit cloudy
i took a walk thinking maybe the outside weather might come in
but how is it that even the vast and powerful sun cannot overcome the grey spirit in my relatively small and weak body

i think i know how i'm suppose to be
but for some reason, i can't get myself to do anything these days
it takes such enormous effort to even be nice just a little bit
i know the kind of person i want to be
but for some reason, i can't get myself to change my ways
it's suppose to take the faith that is a size of a musterseed
but...
what happened to my passion
what happened to my faith
what happened to my friends
what happened to me

i have no one to lean on but you God
my heart is so empty
and i am so longing for your presence
change my heart o God
make it ever true
change my heart o God
may i be like you