i've seen quite a few patients in heart failure the past few weeks. one of the symptoms of decompensated heart failure is shortness of breath. as i ponder this issue on a spiritual realm, i see that maybe i was in heart failure this weekend.
i often long for the days of my college years when i first tasted the sweet love of Jesus. nothing could take away the firm conviction of his love for me and it was quite obvious. i was "swept off my feet" and i let those around me know in many different ways. the Lover of soul had my undivided heart and I thought my love for him could never be shaken. those were undoubtedly the honeymoon years.
since then, i know my heart has failed many times and again this past weekend. my spiritual heart was unable to pump enough blood for me to experience the full joy and peace that comes with knowing Him. i struggle to breath and just keep myself from fainting until finally all i can do is lay still unable to do anything. somehow i find myself finally able to pray and then i remember to sing...the only things that seem to help me recover from heart failure.
as i see patients who come in with their spouses to the clinic,now decades after their honeymoon, i see that the years they have spent have made their love stronger. the eyes that they look upon each other are now are more pure, more real, more honest.
so i think that perhaps my love for Jesus will be that way too. maybe after these struggling years, i will be able to gaze upon Jesus with a heart that is more pure, more real, more honest. it is with this hope that i persevere. it is with this prayer that i will keep going back to Jesus. i know at least his love for me will not change and even as my lack of love is unveiled, his love is slowly changing and purifying my heart.
the process is painful, so painful. and i keep wanting to go back to the college years. my love for God now may not be as fervent as those days, but i hope it is at least more real and more dependent. may every prayer and every act be less of me and more of him i pray.
